Ninja Turtles

Dan Mcginley Issue: Section:

On October 28th I followed the Times Up Halloween Bike Ride to their Halloween Party at C-squat in the East Village.  As is typical of c-squat a wild night was had, lots of cheap Brooklyn Beers were drunk, flasks were emptied and a bunch of amazing bands(Ninja Turtles, Dog that Bites Everyone, and Devastation Wagon are the ones I remember) played.  Having never before heard or heard of Ninja Turtles I was intrigued by them before they took the stage.   The singer was 6 and a half feet tall and dressed as a skeleton with his face and head painted to match. The whisper in the crowd was that they called themselves “Party Sludge” as they set up their towers of amps and instruments.  Their sound was pounding and sludgy, Ninja Turtles used to layer swirling space as their bass player plucked away at deep and fuzzy vibrations.  The guitar player filled in with guitar nerdery swaying between punk and metal styles while the drummer pounded simple rhythms and yelled his heart out,  for the most part the vocals were lost in the PA but anyone could see that he meant whatever was coming out of his skeletal mouth.  They blasted through what I think were 5 songs as the crowd danced and cheered in amazement and quickly left the stage after thanking the audience, the venue, the bands, the booker and the Times Up for having the show.  I caught up with the lead skeleton as Ninja Turtles were loading into a cab.  When I asked for a quick interview he identified himself as Leonardo Donatello, claimed to be the leader and said he only had time for one question.

Scrambling for thought, I quickly asked “How would you describe the show you just played?”  The following is a direct quote:

“On August 25th, In the year 2247, the city of New York City was invaded by a flying lizard-like alien race.  Attracted initially to the constant glow and smell of rotting food, the lizards found New York City to be an ideal home.

Feasting on nutritious drywall and aluminum studs they quickly razed most of the buildings, and built humongous nests inside the sports arenas and civic centers.  Digesting the city extremely quickly, they infested the east coast within days.  Returning constantly to their nests in Madison Square and the Meadowlands only to drop loads of metal and plaster dust for their queen, the lizards had no trouble flying across the oceans and over the highest mountains.

Within weeks they had eaten every major city around the world.  People were not completely wiped out.  In small rural and frozen pockets there remained farmers, foresters, Inuit Eskimos, and in rare cases scientists and great thinkers.   In Brooklyn, New York a group of musicians had been able to survive by barricading themselves in a Duane Reade at the Atlantic Center subway station.  Surviving on snack food the group filled their days with abusing what seemed like an endless supply of prescription drugs.  After a few weeks with no sleep the four survivors had found a level of focus they had never before imagined and began calling themselves Ninja Turtles.  They were pretty sure they might be the last Americans alive.  Fluctuating between extreme focus and surly moaning state the four decided they needed to find a way to escape before they were discovered by their lizard overlords.

Using only the instruments they had shown up with, 4 novelty-sized microwaves, 8 Compact Disc players and a variety of “As Seen On TV” merchandise, Ninja Turtles were able to build a device capable of transporting themselves through time and/or space.  Aiming for shortly before the lizard invasion, Ninja Turtles quickly warned everyone that would listen.  Learning that the governments of the world had been infiltrated by the lizards since before there even was a US government, Ninja Turtles saw that situation as nearly hopeless.  Having narrowly escaped from a government prison deep under the metropolitan opera house the turtles found their smartest member to be fatally wounded.  He was buried at sea in a traditional viking ceremony on the East River.

Mikey, Leo and Raphaela quickly escaped but realized they had no idea how to control the time portal device.  Finding themselves briefly trapped in the 1980s they cultivated a deep love for pizza, the TV show Cheers, hardcore music, cheap beer, skateboarding, bike-riding and their already chosen namesake.  Randomly landing themselves in the years 2097(too many people), 72(not enough people) the threesome found themselves with a broken time dial and no jobs in the year 2011.  Settling down in the modern day version of their hometown they’re amazed with the quaint small town nature of their surroundings.  Finding their time device mostly just making swirling drones they began practicing and attempting to figure out its use....”

At this point Leonardo Donatello was pulled from the interview and into the cab by the very beautiful bass player(I assume she’s Raphaela).  A bit of Internet searching turned up little about Ninja Turtles so keep your ears and eyes peeled for their next appearance, I hope it’s soon.


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